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Sheldon: And how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: Cause of accident: lack of adhesive ducks.

The Big Bang Theory 3.08 - “The Adhesive Duck Deficiency”

Leonard: I can feel the Earth moving.  It’s moving too fast, Raj slow it down.
Raj: [squints] OK, how’s that?
Leonard: Better, thanks.

The Big Bang Theory 3.08 - “The Adhesive Duck Deficiency”

Penny: Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Sheldon: Mmkay.
Penny: Is that my arm?
Sheldon: It doesn’t feel like an arm.
Penny: Then maybe you should let it go.
Sheldon: Alrighty.

The Big Bang Theory 3.08 - “The Adhesive Duck Deficiency”

Cleveland: AHHH! WATERFALL! [everyone screams] I love you!
[SCENE MISSING]
Cleveland: You really saved our skin, Mr. Flippers.
Mr. Flippers: Sure did.  See ya later peoples, stay dry.
Everyone: Thank you, Mr. Flippers!

The Cleveland Show 1.06 - “Ladies’ Night”

Joe: We shouldn’t let this ruin our night, let’s just enjoy the strippers.
Peter: I guess, I just hate the way that one gets so into her work.
Stripper: You boys have been very naughty, I’m gonna have to assign you extra homework.
[cut to Peter and Joe at home doing homework]
Peter: Darnit, fractions are so hard.  What’d you get for number four?
Joe: SHE SAID DON’T SHARE ANSWERS!

Family Guy 8.06 - “Quagmire’s Baby”

Stewie: It’s not much but it’s healthier than what people ate in the ’50s.
[cut to ’50s diner]
’50s Guy: Steak and donut sandwich, please.
’50s Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich?
’50s Guy: What do I look like, a Mary? Yes I want cigarettes!

Family Guy 8.06 - “Quagmire’s Baby”

Seth: Police in Staten Island are searching for a group of robbers who assaulted a cab driver while wearing costumes of Mario and Luigi from the Super Mario Brothers video game.  Well, they might be costumes or they might just be two guys from Staten Island.

Saturday Night Live 35.06 - “January Jones/Black Eyed Peas”

Seth: A tanker truck carrying seven thousand gallons of Canadian Club whiskey overturned on a Kentucky highway on its way to the Jim Beam distillery.  Said a nearby child, “It smells like uncles.”

Saturday Night Live 35.06 - “January Jones/Black Eyed Peas”

Seth: NASA announced Friday the discovery of large amounts of water on the moon.  NASA scientists celebrated as they always do, with a series of poorly executed high fives.

Saturday Night Live 35.06 - “January Jones/Black Eyed Peas”

Dennis: How was Charlie’s?
Mac: The way they live, bro, it’s…it’s like uh…
Dennis: Preposterous?
Mac: Yeah, dude, Preposterous! I’ve been trying to come up with that all day.
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: God, dude, this is why you and I are such a good team. You know like I’m a man of action and you’re a man that comes up with good…
Dennis: Words?
Mac: Words, dude.
Dennis: Ok, alright, we really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man.
Mac: You can help me.
Dennis: You couldn’t think of the word ‘words’.

Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5.09 - “Mac and Dennis Break Up”