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Jack Johnson: So Ozzy, tell us about your transformation into mellowness.
Ozzy Osbourne: You can’t fly a bicycle and, you know, I’m not an octopus having a crap in the back of a van.  I’ve burnt my bloody brains out so I’m mellow.

Saturday Night Live 35.07 - “Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Dave Matthews Band”

Neighbour: Told ya.
Neighbour’s Wife: What’s he doing?
Neighbour: He’s trying to win back Diane Court.
Neighbour’s Wife: So what did he write this song for her?
Neighbour: No, it’s Peter Gabriel, he just hit play. [shrugs]
Neighbour’s Wife: So weird.

Saturday Night Live 35.07 - “Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Dave Matthews Band”

Seth: Experts are saying that the number of light smokers who are people who don’t smoke regularly or only in social situations is on the rise.  You may know these people as liars.

Saturday Night Live 35.07 - “Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Dave Matthews Band”

Ellie: I tried but come on she named her horse ‘Limp Bizkit’
Laurie: Because he rocked!

Cougar Town 1.08 - “Two Gunslingers”

Andy: Did you just give him the ‘hit that’ nod?
Grayson: I did.
Andy: But Jules said no girls in the house.
Grayson: She won’t find out.
Andy: Jules always finds out.  You know, I babysat Travis once when he was twelve and I may or may not have let him watch Nine and a Half Weeks.  Somehow, Jules found out and then all of a sudden her brownies started having pecans in them which is kinda weird ‘cause I’m allergic to pecans and Jules knows that.  It was like, I don’t know, she was trying to kill me but that’s just silly right?

Cougar Town 1.08 - “Two Gunslingers”

Grayson: I can check in on the kid if you promise to stop hassling me about the girls I bring home.
Jules: Yeah, I can’t do it… Well, I guess I could probably stop for like three days.
Grayson: Deal!  I wonder how many I can cycle through the abode in three days.  I’m guessing like thr—seven.
Jules: Lucky, lucky girls.
Travis: Psst.  Ok, so here’s the plan, do not come over to my house.  If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don’t answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.
Grayson: You’re a neat kid.

Cougar Town 1.08 - “Two Gunslingers”

Claire: This is our song, you love this song, tell him, this is our song.
Izzy: Right, tell him, Phil.
Phil: It’s not our song, Claire.  Our song is If You Leave by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
Izzy: Ohhhh!
Claire: Are you sure?
Phil: Pretty sure, I sang it at our wedding.
Claire: Oh, I’m an idiot.
Izzy: Well, actually he’s the idiot, he fell in love to a break-up song.

Modern Family 1.08 - “Great Expectations”

Sal: How much are you gonna pay me to go make out with the waitress?
Mitchell: Alright now wait, which one though, the old one or the young one?
Cameron: Ten for the young one, twenty for the old.
Sal: I am about to make thirty bucks.

Modern Family 1.08 - “Great Expectations”

Phil: It’s so creative, coupons for hugs, which are usually free but this makes it official which is so great.
Claire: I was so proud of myself when I thought of it because you’re impossible to buy for, you never want anything.
Phil: Um, things I want: robot dog, night vision goggles, bug vacuum, GPS watch, speakers that look like rocks.  I love my wife but she sucks at giving gifts, I’m sorry for the pay channel language but—oh, yogurt maker, I can’t not think of things I want.

Modern Family 1.08 - “Great Expectations”

Kurt: I don’t know why I find his stupidity charming.  I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.

Glee 1.10 - “Ballad”