Apr18
Seth: In an effort to set a new record a three year old girl in China walked on a tightrope above six tigers at a local zoo and the only way that story ended well is if she fell in and the tigers raised her instead of her terrible parents.
Saturday Night Live 35.19 - “Ryan Phillipe/Kesha”
Guy 1: You guys know how I love to go online and masturbate on chatroulette while I’m at work right? And how I love to see the look on people’s faces when they find me? Well, my boss caught me.
Guy 2: No, that’s terrible, do you think you’ll get fired?
Guy 1: I doubt it, they’ll probably just transfer me to another parish.
Saturday Night Live 35.19 - “Ryan Phillipe/Kesha”
Mar19
Pierce: My shoelace came untied, it could’ve happened to anybody.
Shirley: Oh that’s your excuse? Britta weighs five pounds, Troy can’t swim and I’ve never even seen the ocean.
Troy: Uh, I can swim, racist.
Community 1.19 - “Beginner Pottery”
Jeff: Have you taken many pottery classes?
Rich: No this is my first.
Jeff: Of the year?
Rich: Ever.
Jeff: No pottery at doctor school?
Rich: Medical school?
Jeff: Pottery school.
Rich: Pottery school?
Jeff: Oh, pottery school, how long?
Rich: You know, Jeff, it’s kind of weird, I feel like I’m being interrogated but by someone who doesn’t really want to know anything important.
Community 1.19 - “Beginner Pottery”
Professor Slaughter: I don’t see students here, I see seamen. I didn’t create them but the moment you climbed aboard I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you’ve stopped giggling at the word ‘seamen’ and that’s the mark of a real seaman.
Community 1.19 - “Beginner Pottery”
Shirley: I’ve never been a Captain before.
Pierce: I have, I commanded a jetski through an electrical storm, only had one casualty.
Troy: Jetskis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly, I saved half the crew.
Community 1.19 - “Beginner Pottery”
Abed: Jeff’s competitive side had come out before, he had even displayed envy, but on that first day of Pottery class he discovered—
Jeff: Abed.
Abed: Yeah?
Jeff: What did we discuss?
Abed: No voice-over, I’m sorry, it is kind of a crutch.
Community 1.19 - “Beginner Pottery”
Mar9
Purpose (via i.imgur.com)
Feb15
Bob Costas: It appears Team Sweden will clinch the gold, and they are over the moon with joy.
Team Sweden Guy: Joy is but the shadow pain casts.
The Simpsons 21.12 - “Boy Meets Curl”
Skinner: It’s called Curling. Players slide the heavy stones toward the circle, or ‘house’, as teammates control the direction and speed of the stone by sweeping in front of it with a special broom.
Homer: Marge, this is perfect for both of us, it’s got bowling for me and sweeping for you.
The Simpsons 21.12 - “Boy Meets Curl”
