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Phil: Can people change?  Well that is a tough one but I would say yes, people can change, that’s what I believe anyway, and I will until the day I die.
Claire: You do realise you’re proving the exact opposite of your point?
Phil: See, she’s changed, she used to be very supportive of me.

Modern Family 1.13 - “Fifteen Percent”

Cameron: [pretending to be Barkley’s voice] And so it ends, sadly I’ve been summarily dismissed from the employ of masters Cameron and Mitchell, the former being an utter delight and the latter being a humourless snoot.
Mitchell: Just come on, get him in the car, the thrift shop’s closing.
Cameron: [pretending to the Barkley’s voice] What is this exciting ‘thrift shop’ you speak of?  Many of my relatives were taken out of their homes to be released in their maturity.
Mitchell: Did you just say ‘matoority’?
Cameron: [pretending to the Barkley’s voice] Unhand me you brute!  I regret nothing!  I’ll pay you, I’m a comfortable man, I’ve been stealing from your father for days.  Oh is there any better feeling in the world then having your ears flap in the wind?
Mitchell: You know what, get out.
Cameron: [pretending to the Barkley’s voice] You mean it, sweet freedom?!
Mitchell: No, no not you Barkley, Cameron out.
Cameron: [pretending to the Barkley’s voice] Oh.

Modern Family 1.12 - “Not in My House”

Gloria: I came as soon as I heard your message, did you say that somebodywas getting married?
Jay: Gloria there you are!  I’ve got good news!
Gloria: [walks out]
Jay: What’s the matter?

Modern Family 1.12 - “Not in My House”

Luke: So what was the picture of?
Phil: Well, it was a woman on a tractor and she had her shirt off.
Luke: Was it hot?
Phil: Ok, we’re being honest here, um this particular woman well, my tastes do run to the curvy and the cowboy hat did not hurt one bit, couple that with the cut-off jeans and you were asking about the weather weren’t you?
Luke: Yeah.

Modern Family 1.12 - “Not in My House”

Phil: [to camera] I was already fine with it.  Here’s the deal, Claire messed up, she owed me, this never happens.  Old Phil has a golden ticket.  Now I could’ve cashed that in right away for something small—get out of cleaning the garage, a week a circus camp—but the longer you hold on to it, the more the guilt builds, the more you get.  Five years: trip to Paris with my buddies.  Ten years: sweet little convertible.  Twenty years: hello fully articulating five-function robot that can read my mind and has feelings.

Modern Family 1.11 - “Up All Night”

Luke: You’re not scared are you?
Phil: When was the last time you saw your old man scared?
Luke: When you walked through the spider-web, when we were playing with the Ouija board and the wind blew the door shut—
Phil: There was no wind buddy, we brought something forth.

Modern Family 1.11 - “Up All Night”

Luke: [crying] I broke the coffee table.
Phil: That’s OK, what?
Luke: I broke the glass coffee table.
Phil: The one you swore you didn’t break? And then we blamed Esperanza? And fired her? And she stole a turkey at Thanksgiving for her family? And got deported?
Luke: Yeah.
Modern Family 1.11 - “Up All Night”

Phil: Ohhh that’s bad!
Claire: Oh honey.
Phil: I’m fine, no I’m fine it’s just—OK THAT’S CANCER!
Claire: Maybe it’s just a kidney stone.
Phil: ‘Just’, Claire??
Alex: What’s going on guys?
Phil: It’s nothing, go back to bed.
Haley: No but Dad—
Phil: DON’T TOUCH ME!
Claire: I bet it’s just a kidney stone.
Phil: ‘Just’ again, someone get your mom a glass of water and a piece of gravel from the driveway and see how she likes it.
Luke: Why’s everybody yelling?
Alex: Something’s wrong with Dad.
Phil: Don’t frighten him, come here—OH IT’S GOTTA BE DEATH, DEATH IS COMING!

Modern Family 1.11 - “Up All Night”

Mitchell: What are we watching?
Cameron: Brian de Palma’s controversial masterpiece Scarface.
Mitchell: For the baby?
Cameron: She happens to like it, I don’t know if it’s the colours or the sounds—oh here comes the night club massacre she loves it, watch her little eyelids it’s so cute they get so heavy.

Modern Family 1.11 - “Up All Night”

Alex: What’s the most irritating thing my parents say to me?
Manny: ‘That’s too much cologne’.
Haley: ‘That’s how girls end up dead’.
Luke: ‘Don’t talk black to me’.
Manny: ‘It’s inappropriate because she’s your teacher’.
Luke: How do you even talk black? Like end words with ‘izzle’?
Alex: It’s ‘talk back’ you idiot.

Modern Family 1.11 - “Up All Night”