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Santa: Well hello, and merry Christmas!  So, where’s your little one?
Charlie: [sits on Santa’s lap]
Santa: Oh, hohohoho, you’re a big boy aren’t ya? [to Mac] Is he retarded?  I got this one. [to Charlie] So son, what would you like for Christmas huh?
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom?
Santa: What?
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom?
Santa: What do you mean?
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?  Did you fuck my mom?
Santa: No, I—
Charlie: Did you fuck her?!
Santa: No—
Charlie: Did you fuck my fucking mom?!  Did you fuck my mom, Santa?!  [attacks Santa]
Santa: Ahhhh!  He’s biting my neck!

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Special - “A Very Sunny Christmas”

Mac: Oh check this out dude!
Charlie: Why do you have a Karate trophy?
Mac: I found that in the street one time.
Charlie: Oh that makes sense.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Special - “A Very Sunny Christmas”

Charlie: How’s this, this look center?
Mac: Uh, no, you gotta move it a little to the left.
Charlie: [moves the wreath to the right] Alright, here we go, how’s that?
Mac: No your other left.
Charlie: Uh my other left? I only have one left.
Mac: It’s just an expression.  Just move it to the other direction.
Charlie: What would that expression be for, for someone who has two lefts?
Mac: No, just move it the other way.  Move it the other way.
Charlie: Towards your left?
Mac: Your left and my left are the same ‘cause we’re facing the same direction.
Charlie: Ehhh, we’re two different people, we can’t have the same left, it doesn’t make sense.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Special - “A Very Sunny Christmas”

Dennis: How was Charlie’s?
Mac: The way they live, bro, it’s…it’s like uh…
Dennis: Preposterous?
Mac: Yeah, dude, Preposterous! I’ve been trying to come up with that all day.
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: God, dude, this is why you and I are such a good team. You know like I’m a man of action and you’re a man that comes up with good…
Dennis: Words?
Mac: Words, dude.
Dennis: Ok, alright, we really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man.
Mac: You can help me.
Dennis: You couldn’t think of the word ‘words’.

Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5.09 - “Mac and Dennis Break Up”

Dennis: She’s in a little bit of a mood because a cat got stuck in the wall.
Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you’re talking my language. I know this game. Alright catch me up to speed here, what do we got?
Dee: Well, come on, you’re putting Cheeto fingers all over the wall.
Charlie: Alright, let’s focus Dee, what’s the point of entry here?
Dee: That’s the thing Charlie, I’ve been looking all around this goddamn place, I can’t find one.
Charlie: Alright, I’ve seen this before, you know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.
Dee: I don’t think there’s anything in the laws of nature that would support that.
Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature alright, you don’t know shit about cats.

Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5.09 - “Mac and Dennis Break Up”

Lawyer: I will take care of all of your legal needs if each of you agrees ot never seek my legal advice again.  And you promise not to break into my home and rape my wife while she’s sleeping.
Dennis: Bro, “rape”?  I wasn’t talking about raping your wife.  I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps and I was gonna do it for you, you son of a bitch — alright fine, I won’t do it.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5.08 - “Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens”

Charlie: Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast.  Is your cat making too much noise all the time?  Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?  Is your cat clawing at your furnitures?  Think there’s no answer?  You’re so stupid, there is: Kitten Mittons!  Finally, there’s an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats.  I couldn’t hear anything.  Is your cat one legged?  Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between?  That doesn’t matter, ‘cause one size fits all.  Kitten Mittons, you’ll be smitten.  So come on down to Paddy’s Pub, we’re the home of the original Kitten Mittons.  Meeeoooow.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5.08 - “Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens”

Charlie: Bingo, look at this little room.
Frank: It’s a linen closet Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, they want you to think it’s a linen closet, Frank. Alright, check behind the shelves and shit.
Dee: Why?
Charlie: ‘Cause in Scooby Doo secret tunnels are always behind shelves, there’s gonna be one.
Dennis: Can we not base our decisions on what does or does not happen in episodes of Scooby Doo, godammit!

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5.06 - “The World Series Defense”