barnumyay.com

Brian: I just think you’re being taken for a ride Lois, like a snail on the back of a turtle.
[cut to a snail on the back of a turtle]
Snail: Slow down!  I want to get there but I want to get there alive!

Family Guy 8.12 - “Extra Large Medium”

Stewie: There ya go, being confident, like an Italian guy in any given theoretical situation.
[cut to Italian guy]
Italian Guy: If that was me, I’m just saying if that was me, they are lucky that was not me because if the circumstances were such, as you have described them but with me in them, that’s a very different and scary outcome for those involved.  If.

Family Guy 8.12 - “Extra Large Medium”

Stewie: I came to the woods because I wished to live deliberately and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I have not lived.
Brian: Wow, Stewie that was beautfiul, did you write that?
Stewie: No [to audience] but can you tell me who did?  Log on now.  [three options appear on screen]  Alright, let’s tally up those responses. [‘Thornton Mellon’ wins with 67%] Wow, you know who that is, who Thornton Mellon is—first of all it was Henry David Thoreau—but do you know who Thornton Mellon is?  That was Rodney Dangerfield’s character in Back to School!  You feel good about yourselves, huh?  This is why the other countries are beating us, you know.  So you know you only got yourself to blame next time you go to the vet and complain that that Indian doctor is too rough with your cat.

Family Guy 8.12 - “Extra Large Medium”

Brian: Oh my god, Meg’s involved with a convict.
Stewie: Wow, Meg’s like one of those crazy chicks who hooks up with an even crazier guy.
[cut to picture of Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey]

Family Guy 8.11 - “Dial Meg for Murder”

Stewie: Be careful you don’t fall off that ladder, not all dogs go to heaven.
[cut to Goofy in hell]
Satan: So, says here you were involved in the plotting of September 11th?
Goofy: Well, that’s what they get for supporting Israel, hyuk hyuk hyuk gosh.
Family Guy 8.11 - “Dial Meg for Murder”

Peter: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her then I think we’re all going to get along just fine.
Chris: Yay!
Lois: No no Peter you can’t have sex with the kids.
Meg: Well I wish you told him that before he lost his memory.
[everyone else gasps]
Meg: It was a joke!  I was just making a joke!
Stewie: That’s your sense of humour?!
Meg: I was just kidding, God.
Lois: Meg that’s awful.
Chris: Jeez you open your mouth for a joke once and that’s what you come up with?
Brian: That’s messed up Meg.
Meg: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois: That wasn’t funny that was just dark.
Stewie: Yeah that’s your father!
Chris: Get out Meg!  Get out of the kitchen!  Go on get out!  Out out out!

Family Guy 8.10 - “Big Man on Hippocampus”

Due to FCC regulations, we cannot show graphic intercourse over the airwaves.  Instead, Peter and Lois’ sex scene will be simulated by Dwayne Johnson.

Family Guy 8.10 - “Big Man on Hippocampus”

Lois: Now Peter this is your silverware.  You see this is your fork and this is a knife.
Paul Hogan: That’s not a knife, that’s a knife.
Peter: This is also a knife.
Paul Hogan: Well I’ll be on my way.
Peter: I want to see more of him and then suddenly none of him, forever.

Family Guy 8.10 - “Big Man on Hippocampus”

Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois: A chair.
Stewie: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
Lois: Oranges.
Stewie: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois: Shoes.
Stewie: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favourite holiday.
Lois: Christmas.
Stewie: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.
Lois: Go to church.
Stewie: Black guys.

Family Guy 8.10 - “Big Man on Hippocampus”

Richard Dawson: Alright Griffins here’s your chance to win the game.  Name something that you would like to receive as a gift.
Lois: Groceries!
Chris: Assorted lotions!
Stewie: An uzi!
Brian: A dead squirrel!
Meg: Money!
Peter: Well Richard my family seems to think that “money” is the way to go so I’m going to go with the flute that Captain Picard played first in his imagination and then in real life in the episode “The Inner Light” from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Lois: What?! No, you idiot we said money!
Richard Dawson: Show me Picard’s flute!
[picard’s flute appears on the board with one response]
Lois: Peter how did you—
Peter: I was in the survey.

Family Guy 8.10 - “Big Man on Hippocampus”