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Laurie: So, there was a huge line for the can, I had to use the men’s room and I met a guy, can he come to Thanksgiving?
Jules: [looks disapprovingly]
Laurie: She said no, Steve!  Coulda been the one.

Cougar Town 1.09 - “Here Comes My Girl”

Ellie: I tried but come on she named her horse ‘Limp Bizkit’
Laurie: Because he rocked!

Cougar Town 1.08 - “Two Gunslingers”

Andy: Did you just give him the ‘hit that’ nod?
Grayson: I did.
Andy: But Jules said no girls in the house.
Grayson: She won’t find out.
Andy: Jules always finds out.  You know, I babysat Travis once when he was twelve and I may or may not have let him watch Nine and a Half Weeks.  Somehow, Jules found out and then all of a sudden her brownies started having pecans in them which is kinda weird ‘cause I’m allergic to pecans and Jules knows that.  It was like, I don’t know, she was trying to kill me but that’s just silly right?

Cougar Town 1.08 - “Two Gunslingers”

Grayson: I can check in on the kid if you promise to stop hassling me about the girls I bring home.
Jules: Yeah, I can’t do it… Well, I guess I could probably stop for like three days.
Grayson: Deal!  I wonder how many I can cycle through the abode in three days.  I’m guessing like thr—seven.
Jules: Lucky, lucky girls.
Travis: Psst.  Ok, so here’s the plan, do not come over to my house.  If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don’t answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.
Grayson: You’re a neat kid.

Cougar Town 1.08 - “Two Gunslingers”

Jules: What the hell are you guys doing?
Bobby: Watchin’ Rudy.
Andy: He got in the game and his dad’s there and he’s watching and he’s all proud. [gets choked up]
Grayson: Greatest guy movie of all time, you’re not getting these two back.
Jules: Hey guys, why don’t you come back to my place and we’ll put on Shawshank?
Bobby & Andy: Shawshank?
Grayson: I’ve got that DVD too.
Jules: Well over at my house I’ll give you the full Shawshank experience.
Andy: Full Shawshank? What’s full Shawshank?
[cut to the full Shawshank experience]
Jules: Andy Torres crawled through five-hundred yard of muck to reach his freedom, five-hundred yards.

Cougar Town 1.07 - “Don’t Come Around Here No More”

Bobby: Jules, you remember my old golf buddy Russ?
Jules: Of course, Russ, I love Russ.
Russ: We never really met.
Jules: Why not just go with it Russ?

Cougar Town 1.06 - “A Woman in Love (It’s Not Me)”

Jules: He is so crushing on you, it’s kinda sweet.
Laurie: Yeah, do you want me to take his virginity?
Jules: Now not so sweet.
Laurie: No as like a favor to you, plus it’s kinda my hobby.
Jules: Honey I’m hoping my son’s first time is a little more romantic and a little less ‘hold on tight!’.
Laurie: How dare you.

Cougar Town 1.06 - “A Woman in Love (It’s Not Me)”

Jules: Are you really wearing that t-shirt?
Laurie: Yeah, I’ve never been to Ohio but I do love this shirt because the O’s frame my boobs perfectly and it says ‘Hi’ in the middle.

Cougar Town 1.06 - “A Woman in Love (It’s Not Me)”

Andy: Oh, Ellie hates it when I hang with Bobby so do me a solid and don’t mention this next time you talk to her.
Grayson: The only time I ever spoke to your wife she told me she’d and I quote, ‘pay someone to do me prison style if I didn’t bring my trash cans in’.
Andy: So we’re cool?
Grayson: I am, you’re married to a scary person.

Cougar Town 1.05 - “You Wreck Me”

Jules: See, pow, look at the support. Oh, hey Trav.
Travis: Shirt down, then hey Trav.
Jules: Sorry, hey Trav.
Travis: Too late, scarred for life.
Jules: Oh calm down, these used to feed you.

Cougar Town 1.05 - “You Wreck Me”