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Ellie: You know, um, having Christmas lights up six weeks after Christmas is actually dangerous.
Grayson: How so?
Ellie: Because if you don’t take them down I’m going to feed them to you and then yank them out the other end like I’m starting a lawnmower.
Grayson: I love our little talks.
Ellie: When I’m on the treadmill looking out the window they’re driving me insane.
Grayson: I don’t even turn them on, how can you see them?
Ellie: I know they’re there.

Cougar Town 1.15 - “When a Kid Goes Bad”

Jules: Did you really call Travis in sick from school so you two could wait in line for free chicken?
Bobby: Shoot I forgot to call the school, didn’t I?
Jules: Wow, you’re still not great at zoning in on why I’m angry.

Cougar Town 1.15 - “When a Kid Goes Bad”

Cougar Town 1.14 - “All the Wrong Reasons”

Jules: Look at that cute little button nose, I’d like to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.
Ellie: Sweetie, when you say people’s body parts are so adorable that you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-y.  Especially when you do it about kids.
Jules: Ooo, I would love to have a scarf made of little bitty baby hands.
Ellie: See that’s not a great out loud thought.

Cougar Town 1.14 - “All the Wrong Reasons”

Grayson: You alright there buddy?
Bobby: Something stinks and I can’t find it, I’m worried it’s in my nostrils.  Will you smell the inside of my nose and tell me if it stinks?
Grayson: At any point in your life have you ever said to yourself, “Hey, here’s a thought I shouldn’t verbalize”?

Cougar Town 1.13 - “Stop Dragging My Heart Around”

Laurie: Dude, it’s not you, it just didn’t have any of my major turn-ons—REO Speedwagon playing, the sound of rain outside, or the smell of pine.  My first boyfriend had a pine-scented air freshener in his pickup truck.
Grayson: So the bar has been set very high?
Laurie: Exactly.  Look this shouldn’t be weird you know, what we did was totally natural, like the wind or not trusting Canadians.

Cougar Town 1.13 - “Stop Dragging My Heart Around”

Jules: Not that I would date two guys at the same time anyway because in grade school this nun told if I kissed two boys in the same day their spit would mix in my mouth and it would kill me.
Ellie: Religion is fantastic.

Cougar Town 1.12 - “Scare Easy”

Bobby: Boys the penny can game is the best thing I’ve ever created in my entire life!
Travis: And thank you Dad.

Cougar Town 1.12 - “Scare Easy”

Laurie: He called me ‘Blahblah’.  I swear to God Jules I would’ve killed him but then we’d never sell that stupid house because no one wants to buy a murder house, except for my older sister Tina.  She regrets it now though because she says her house is haunted by a college professor who turns all her clothes inside out and steals all her yogurt.  Sometimes Tina lies for attention but this time I don’t know, I believe her, there is just too much proof.

Cougar Town 1.10 - “Mystery Man”

Ellie: What are you doing?
Jules: Trying to round up any crap I can find to regift this Christmas.  Like this little gem here, last year’s present from Bobby’s uncle.
Ellie: Racist Uncle or Drug Dealer Uncle?
Jules: Racist Uncle.  Drug Dealer Uncle is now Prison Uncle.
Ellie: Oh yeah because of Detective Cousin.
Jules: I miss Bobby’s family.

Cougar Town 1.10 - “Mystery Man”