Apr18
Seth: In an effort to set a new record a three year old girl in China walked on a tightrope above six tigers at a local zoo and the only way that story ended well is if she fell in and the tigers raised her instead of her terrible parents.
Saturday Night Live 35.19 - “Ryan Phillipe/Kesha”
Guy 1: You guys know how I love to go online and masturbate on chatroulette while I’m at work right? And how I love to see the look on people’s faces when they find me? Well, my boss caught me.
Guy 2: No, that’s terrible, do you think you’ll get fired?
Guy 1: I doubt it, they’ll probably just transfer me to another parish.
Saturday Night Live 35.19 - “Ryan Phillipe/Kesha”
Feb1
Seth: A Roman Catholic priest in Illinois was arrested for allegedly shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart. It’s unfortunate that they didn’t at least follow him home so we could find out what part two of that plan was. When told of the arrest a local Bishop said, “Arrested?! What for?! Shoplifting? Oh thank God!”
Saturday Night Live 35.13 - “Jon Hamm/Michael Bublé”
Seth: Heisman trophy winning quarterback Tim Tebow will be featured in a Superbowl ad that speaks out against abortion. Note to NFL defenses next year: when Tebow runs the option, he’s always going to keep it.
Saturday Night Live 35.13 - “Jon Hamm/Michael Bublé”
Seth: This week Apple released a thing that does stuff that its other stuff already does.
Saturday Night Live 35.13 - “Jon Hamm/Michael Bublé”
Jan17
Seth: A new study from Oxford university found that women who carry extra weight around the hips, buttocks, and thighs are at a lower risk for heart disease. Probably because they can get so much cardio from constantly backing that thing up. The results were double checked by some other brothers but they can’t deny.
Saturday Night Live 35.12 - “Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings”
Larry the Goose: You call it The Miracle On The Hudson, we call it The Day the Crazy Loud Big Thing Came At Us Out Of Nowhere.
Seth: That’s less poetic.
Larry the Goose: It sounds better in Goose. Now Seth if I may, I’d like to read the names of some of the geese that perished that day. These were geese of great dignity.
Seth: Ok, yeah I would like that.
Larry the Goose: Goose Springsteen, Feather Locklear, Ganderson Cooper, Geese Witherspoon, President Quackery Taylor, Honk Williams Jr., indie rock duo The Wing Wings, and of course Mother.
Seth: I’m sorry, Mother Goose?
Larry the Goose: Her name was Gail!
Saturday Night Live 35.12 - “Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings”
Seth: NASA is investigating how a small bag of cocaine got into the hangar that housed the space shuttle Discovery. Said one NASA official, ‘5 4 3 2 1 BLASTOFF IT’S NOT MINE!’
Saturday Night Live 35.12 - “Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings”
Seth: If Jay can take his job back from Conan that means Conan can take it back from Jimmy and that means Jimmy might come here and I cannot go back to being in a sketch once every three weeks.
Saturday Night Live 35.12 - “Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings”
Seth: This week you didn’t need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV.
Saturday Night Live 35.12 - “Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings”
